Yup, That Just Happened: Tales & Takeaways of Ratchet Dating vol. 1

I met a guy online who looked good on paper. His “picture” (more on the quotations later) looked nice and he was in graduate school so I was like cool, at least he’s about something in life. We talked on the phone and got along okay. I thought he was funny, but more like a friend type funny. He told me stories about his exes and dates he’d already gone on, which were amusing, but maybe not the best topic of conversation when getting to know a potential romantic interest. This is why I put off going out with him for so long, but he wouldn’t let it go.

I get to this guy’s house and… GIRL! His booty is bigger than mine. And I don’t mean one of those nicely toned, clenched sit up on the shelf type bubble booties dudes squatting at the gym sometimes get. See Exhibit A.

What? You know girls like booties, too!

He had a stomach pooch and his razor bumps were out of this world. At the risk of sounding like too much of a mean girl, I can admit I ain’t perfect, but I do look like my damn picture, which was taken fairly recently. I mean, come on now.

Back to this date. He wanted to play board games at his place and take me out afterwards. He’s a nerdy type so I understood that and was fine with it. We played two games of Uno, left to go get pizza and took it back to his place. We ate and talked for a bit about how sex was a deal breaker in a relationship, that he’d only had sex with his ex of one year a few times, and would make up excuses to not sleep with her. Ya know, typical first date chit chat. (He was socially awkward and didn’t seem to think anything wrong with telling me such personal things upon our first meeting.) Then the conversation got dry so I suggested we Netflix… just Netflix. He turned on Travelers and before I knew it, this man was asleep! He was laid out on his futon and I was waaay on the other side of it. I reached over and tapped him, then asked if he was asleep. He said “no” so I thought maybe I was imagining things…

That is until three minutes later when he started full on snoring! I shook him awake to let him know I was leaving because I was exhausted as well, but barely got his response before hightailing it out of there.

 *****

A man I met online who seemed like he had it all together asked me out. He was a class act – professional and seemed to be a real gentleman, so naturally, I put on my best and threw on some 4-inch pumps. Why does this guy wait until I’m in the car to tell me this is more of a “meet and greet, not really a wine and dine”?!
 

 

 

 

…Okay… We went to this pizza spot and ordered two slices EACH. Meaning he had his and I had mine. DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN HAD THE NERVE TO EAT MY FOOD? I was halfway through and his was done, so he proceeded to pick up my slice and started eating.

Then he began rubbing my thigh talking about all his accomplishments like he was interviewing for a job. Turns out I’m out with the epitome of the successful black man. And he was going to make sure I got it.

He’s an oncologist with his own condo, paid off BMW, no student debt, parents who own the cute little mom and pop restaurant, and no kids! All I had to do was play my cards right and all this could be mine – Ha! (llelujah I’m sure he heard.)

I’m not exaggerating. He said just that.

I wasn’t going to eat off him, so he helped himself to the rest of my food. He then informs me he has to stop at Lowe’s real quick before taking me home because he needs to pick up a grill before tomorrow’s game and wants me to help him pick one out. I was elated to be granted this opportunity and ready to play my cards right……

I stood in Lowe’s in my 4-inch heels for over an hour while this tool picked out a grill. He then took the grill home and showed me his place, once again proclaiming how all this could be mine!! Meanwhile he could hardly fit his bed in his tiny bedroom. 

He couldn’t get me home fast enough.

 *****

I was sick of guys online wanting to skype of just see sexy photos of me without ever wanting to actually meet. So when I started talking to this new guy who was local, I refused to exchange pics unless I knew he was real. I’m looking for a FWB relationship so real is very important.

I don’t like wasting my time.

We met at a coffee shop briefly. Immediately after he sent me a dick pic and requested nudes of me. I’m really not interested in being some guy’s whacking material, so I asked if we could meet again and we did. This time, he was on the phone texting the entire time. He’d hit me up wanting to get together out of the blue and was somehow annoyed it took me so long to get there. I needed to shower and wanted to look good for him obviously, but he didn’t care about that. He was in a rush to get to my place so that he could have sex with my face.

When I suggested we have actual sex, he was hesitant. He didn’t care if I got anything out of it. Needless to say, it wasn’t very good.

He left right away. I was bored and unsatisfied. We texted a few times after and all he wanted to talk about was his penis in my mouth. I forget who texted last, but we fizzled and never saw eachother again. I don’t even want to, yuck. At least he used protection, otherwise, I’d feel a lot ickier.

I would say 50% of men online who message me have no intention of meeting in person. If they are good looking, I find myself doubting the authenticity of their pics because the few who have been interested in meeting hardly ever look like their photos. For me, this is fake and disappointing.

But I don’t know how to find a FWB if not online. And trying it out only to be disappointed is a bummer as I don’t want more notches on my belt.

Whoa. So what’s the point? I’m glad you asked.

On one hand, I thought these three ladies’ stories were amusing as hell. On the other, I thought there were some takeaways in these tales.

Dating can be hard, especially for women who don’t know how to go about asking for what they want. Or worse yet, are still trying to figure that out, but having to go through the motions of dating douchebags to get there. Dare I say, it doesn’t always have to be so hard? I’m a firm believer that most aspects of our lives get just a wee bit easier once we realize how much control we have over them.

Here are three lessons that can be learned from these ladies’ (and probably your own) dating misfortune:

  1. Get a follow-up photo. For goodness sakes, woman, ask that man for another pic, and maybe even another if you’re dating online. People often use social media to escape who they are, even what they look like. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it is real. I guess if you guys ever do wind up on a date, he thinks his sparkling charm will whisk you off your feet so much so that you’ll forget he looks nothing like his profile photo. Request another photo once you two start talking, especially if you’re considering a date. Just make sure you have one in the vault, too.
  1. Speak up or be miserable. Why do you feel the need to subject yourself to torture? There’s no sense in sacrificing your comfort for someone who seems he couldn’t care less about whether you are comfortable or enjoying yourself. You’re already on a sucky date – don’t make it any worse by agreeing to something you really don’t want to do. Period. You CAN say NO and it WILL be okay. You’ll feel better for standing up for yourself and be prepared for the next self-involved jerk who crosses your path.
  1. Slow down, look around. Don’t take the first train that stops in front of you if it’s headed in the wrong direction just because you’re tired of waiting. We all love to say we hate wasting time, but we do it anyway by not taking the time to be efficient in our thought processes. Yes, your time is valuable. You are valuable. Love yourself enough to wait for what you want. If that’s a friend with benefits situation (as opposed to a casual encounter on CL), there are still standards. Your FWB would ideally be able to sit down and have a respectful conversation with you. You want to feel comfortable with him and he hopefully wants you to experience pleasure being with him. If this isn’t the guy you’re dealing with, it will usually be apparent before you get physical. Tell your screaming vag to shut up for a sec and listen to what he’s telling you. If you want to avoid adding weak, disappointing notches to your belt, screen the hell out of your new kink buddy. Not in the background check kind of way, but take your time in deciding if he’s worth getting down with every now and then. When you’re sexting, does he only talk about his pleasure? Is he always in a hurry? Whatever the answers are, be cool with them before you go any further. In other words, know what you’re signing up for.

I must confess… I have one more lesson and it’s just dying to jump out onto this page. But nope. We’ll get into that one next week. Until then, happy dating!